How to start a conversation
about suicide
You may feel unsure of how to start a conversation about suicide. The most important thing we can do in any conversation about suicide is to listen.
It can be difficult to hear that someone we care about is having thoughts of suicide. It is a natural response to want to jump straight to problem solving by offering advice. The most important thing we can do in any conversation about suicide though, is to listen.
The most powerful thing is for someone to know that you care about them, and that you are committed to listening and understanding what’s happening for them.
If the thought of starting a conversation about suicide with someone you care about feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. It’s common to feel like we're not the right person to be talking about mental health and suicide.
Maybe you’re worried about offending or upsetting them? Or that you’ll look nosy? Or that you’re not qualified to be having such a serious conversation? Or perhaps you’re worried that you’ll put the idea into their head by asking?
The reality is that you aren’t going to endanger someone by asking them about suicide, and for us to support people appropriately, it is important to be able to talk about suicide.
It can be incredibly difficult and distressing to hear that someone you care about is having thoughts of suicide.
Preparing for a conversation about suicide
Setting the intention
It is important to find a way to ask about suicide directly. We can still be gentle, empathetic, and non-judgmental when asking a question about suicide. Using clear and direct language helps to ensure you both understand each other and makes it clear that you are willing to talk about the topic of suicide.
Setting your boundaries
It is important to know and prioritise your own safety and wellbeing first. Before starting a conversation with someone about suicide, consider what you can do to look after your own mental health. Perhaps it’s something simple like planning an activity afterwards that fills your cup, such as a walk outdoors. Or maybe it’s something more specific like checking in with a chosen person e.g., a friend, chosen family member, or psychologist?
If the thought of having a conversation about suicide doesn’t feel safe for your own mental wellbeing right now, it is ok to be honest about that and ask the person if there is someone else who could provide that support for them. You might also consider checking if it would be ok if someone you trust and could confide in step in to have the conversation with that person instead of you.
Setting the tone
It’s important to choose the right time and place before inviting someone to open up about how they might be feeling. Consideration about your own needs as well as their needs during this conversation is important to ensure you both feel as comfortable as possible.
Things to consider:
Choose a time when you have confirmed you both have enough time, and you can have the conversation and be with them in a face-to-face setting.
Choose an environment where you will both feel comfortable.
Think about what will make you the most comfortable – will you sit next to them or across from them? Is eye contact going to be helpful or unhelpful? Do they like to be touched (such as an arm around the shoulder)? Would you prefer not to be touched? Would an activity while you talk (such as colouring) help them and you to feel comfortable?
It is important to ask about suicide directly.
Questions to help guide the conversation
To help start your conversation about suicide with someone, you can ask gentle questions based on changes that you have noticed in their behaviour or mood. This lets them know that you care about what you’ve noticed and are here for them.
From there, you can gently guide the conversation in a direction that allows you to learn more about their current state of mind. For example:
Guiding question: I’ve noticed you haven’t been coming to class lately, and you’ve mentioned feeling tired a lot, how are you feeling?
Validate: It sounds like it’s been really difficult.
Collect information: On a scale of 1 to 10, how are you feeling?
Invite: Can you tell me more about why you picked number 3?
Validate: Thank you so much for trusting me with this, it sounds incredibly painful.
Collect information: Does this feel like your rock bottom? / How long have you felt this way?
Once you feel you have collected enough information to reasonably believe someone is at-risk of suicide, it’s important to ask about suicide directly, e.g.,
Ask about suicide directly: With everything you’re feeling and going through, I know it can sometimes lead people to think about wanting to die. Have you been having thoughts of suicide? / Are you thinking about killing yourself? / It’s common for people in this much emotional pain to have thoughts of suicide, I’m wondering if you’ve had these thoughts?
It’s important to use the word “suicide” as it tells the person we are ok to talk about this. Don’t replace the word suicide with something softer, such as “hurting yourself” as this has a different meaning, and there are different questions we would ask for self-harm.
It's important that you don’t ask this question as though you’re wanting to hear them say “no” e.g., you wouldn’t kill yourself, would you?
If they say no
If they say they’re not thinking about suicide, it’s important not to push or try to hold the conversation in this area for too long as you might lose their trust, or risk them shutting down completely. Continue the conversation with care and offer them some words of comfort/encouragement and remind them you’re always here for them. Thank them for having this conversation with you and let them know you’d like to have a follow up conversation in a day or two, if you still believe they’re at-risk.
It’s always important to ask about suicide directly, but some people will experience depression or other mental illnesses without suicidal ideation. Asking them directly isn’t going to put the idea into their head if they weren’t already thinking it, but it does let them know that you’ve noticed they’re not themselves, and that they can open up to you if and when they’re ready.
What should I do if someone has volunteered information about feeling suicidal?
It takes a lot of courage for someone to volunteer to us that they are not okay. It’s likely they are reaching out because they trust us, they want help, and they are ready for that help.
If someone has shared that they have thoughts of suicide:
Remain calm
Use open body language
Listen more than you talk
Express gratitude: for them, for their trust in you, and for how brave it is to be honest. Example:
Thank you so much for trusting me with how you’re feeling. I really care about you and value our friend/relationship. I don’t want you to die. I’m here for you and we can work through this together.
Follow up with gentle questions that allow you to gather more information:
How long have you been feeling like this?
What changes in yourself have you noticed?
What does this feel like for you (in your mind and body)?
How much is it impacting your everyday life?
What would need to change for you to feel safe?
What would feeling content/well look like for you?
Ask about a plan: Asking if someone has made a plan it is the next most important question. There are differences between having thoughts of suicide, vs having a plan an the intent to carry out these thoughts. E.g., when you’re thinking about suicide, do you think about a plan for how you might do it?
Collect information: Do you have access to what you need to carry out this plan? How likely are you to act on this? What has stopped you acting on this plan so far?
Fill out a Suicide Safety Plan card together : A suicide safety plan is helpful in identifying things that may help when someone is thinking about suicide. Fill out a Suicide Safety Plan card together and note down emergency contacts, helpful activities and grounding exercises.